2010/12/25

The Frantics - A Piece of Pie

The Frantics - A Piece of Pie

Waiter: Are you ready to order yet sir?
Dan: No, no. I'm still waiting for my..no wait, here he is. Great, what's it been? Three-quarters of an hour? Is this what they call a power lunch over at Wilmont Ross?

Bob: I...I was in the bathroom.

Dan: Wonderful, wonderful, this leaves us with exactly what? Fifteen minutes to order, eat, and discuss the new subdivision! Waiter, I'll have the...aw, now the waiter's gone to...look, what is the matter with you? Are you sick or something?

Bob: No, no, I'm not sick.

Dan: You're not sick, but you spend the entire meal break in the washroom, leaving me here for three-quarters of an hour getting refills of water and chewing on breadsticks.

Bob (shaky): I sh*t a piece of pie.


Dan: Look, if you people don't want to develop the land, you can just...Excuse me?

Bob: I sh*t a piece of pie!

Dan: Thank you! Thank you for sharing that with me. I am delighted that yesterday's dessert has finally passed!

Bob: But I never eat pie! I mean, I just dumped a solid piece of...

Dan: THANK YOU! Thank you. I was hoping that you'd be a fascinating luncheon companion. Little did I know that you'd be regaling me with the consistency of your bowel movement.

Bob: No, no, it didn't just look like pie...it was a serving of pie.

Dan: ...a serving of pie?

Bob: Right!

Dan: real pie?

Bob: A nice serving of real pie!

Dan: Flaky crust? Juicy filling?

Bob: Big round blueberries.

Dan: THANK YOU!

Bob: It's a miracle!

Dan: It's a miracle? God blessed your sphincter so it could give you dessert treats? Look, you've still got fifteen minutes, go make it a la mode.

Bob: But, but, but, I can't even bake a pie!

Dan: So God put an Easy Bake Oven in your lower colon?

Bob: Well, you believe me, right?

Dan: Oh, I believe you, sure, I believe you. You invite me here, to Rogantino's to discuss Sunny Ridge Subdivision, then you bolt off to the can to give birth to a pastry. You're the Betty Crocker of the bathroom! Of course I believe you, what's not to believe?

Bob: Fine, fine, fine, fine, if this isn't a piece of pie, what is it?

(thunk of pie being put on table)

Dan: Well it's a...oh my God, the guy carries it, he carried it in his pocket! Get it off the table!

Bob: It's a PIECE OF PIE!

Dan: Forgive me if we don't shake hands on this deal.

Bob: I can make sh*t that looks like food!

Dan: Yeah, so can my mother. Big deal. Bob, you're VP investment division for Wilmont Ross; you can't spend lunches fishing crusty terds out of kibos!

Bob: This pie is PROOF!

Dan: It's proof that you carry sh*t in your pocket!

Bob: Shhh! Shhh! It's pie!

Dan: It's poo!

Bob: Ok, fine, if I'm wrong, if I'm wrong, you tell me where it came from!

Dan: I don't know. Maybe somebody ordered pie, it tasted stale, they ditched it in the toilet...oh my God there's a bite out of it! Thank you!

Bob: Well I had to find out if it's pie!

Dan: I feel sick.

Bob: I'M A FREAK! I'm a freak! I could lose my whole life over this, my job, my wife, my kids! Dan. You can't. tell. anybody. about this. PROMISE!

(pause)

Dan: What am I going to say? "The other day at lunch with Bob Lockhard he shit a dessert from his ass, took a bite out of it, brought it back to the table and waved it under my nose"?! Trust me Bob, my lips are sealed!

Waiter: Excuse me gentlemen.

Bob and Dan: WHAT, what? Oh

Waiter: Are you ready to order yet?

Dan: No, I seem to have lost my appetite. I'll just have a coffee.

Bob: Coffee here too.

Waiter: Would you like to see the dessert tray?

Bob and Dan: Ummmmm, noooo.

Related Article:
The Frantics - Boot to the Head - 2. I Shot Bambi's Mother



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